HAHA… I hope the double entendre of title isn’t too much!

This is the last post in the Real Marriage Conference series and covers the final session… “Can We __________? (fill in the blank with your sex question)”. Christian married couples often wonder, “Can my spouse and I [do some specific sexual activity]?” This question is NOT uncommon. This discussion in popular culture is also NOT uncommon… it is just uncommon in church and/or in public forums related to church.

After extensive Bible study and prayer, the Driscolls created a compelling framework for answering this question. Their goal was NOT to create a list of YES or NO answers to everything that can happen in the marriage bedroom. The reality is that scripture does not do that. Therefore, the framework is meant to assist couples as they discuss, pray, and consider their interests and curiosities. Pastor Mark and Grace are also clear to note they are explaining what a married couple MAY do, NOT what they MUST do.

In the book, Pastor Mark and Grace talked about the framework for answering sexuality related questions. They also go through a collection of specific questions related to: masturbation, oral sex, anal sex, sex toys, menstrual sex, role-playing, birth control, cosmetic surgery, cyber sex, sexual medication, and marital sexual assault. At the Real Marriage Conference, Pastor Mark only talked through the framework, NOT the specific activity questions. Buy the book if you would like to read the answers to the specific questions.

This is the chapter of the book that caused a LOT of controversy for Mark and Grace Driscoll. More liberal folks complain they didn’t “go far enough”, while fundamentalists charge they “went to far”. It is important that Christian married couples have appropriate information and context for Biblical decision making related to sexuality. Christians make a lot of conclusions and accusations on this topic, often without sound Biblical reasoning.

They have also been negatively charged by some for not more thoroughly discussing the “heart motivation” aspects of this sex conversation (more related to the specific activities mentioned in the book). Most of the book and conference is about how the Holy Spirit transforms the heart, and that our intentions and heart condition matter in everything we do. Therefore, I will trust that principle extrapolates into this discussion.

The unfortunate reality is that in popular media and many sharky (and snarky) Christian circles, this chapter also somewhat eclipses / out-shines the rest of the book. For example, check out the full interview Mark and Grace did about this book as guests on Dr. Drew’s TV show:  http://pastormark.tv/2012/01/12/dr-drew. This is the fault of the media who mostly desire villify pastors (or Christianity) and sensationalize these discussions.

Again… Overall, the book is about celebrating God’s intentional design and purpose of marriage. Most of the book is about friendship and servanthood! Technically, this chapter is also about that, but just within the context of sexual intimacy between a married man and woman.

Now… onto the conference notes!

Part One of the Real Marriage Conference Series –  Session #1: Friend (Not Plural!) With Benefits.

Part Two of the Real Marriage Conference Series –  Session #2: Sex: God, Gross, or Gift? with Q&A.

Part Three of the Real Marriage Conference Series –  Session #3: Selfish Lovers vs. Servant Lovers with Q&A.

Preface & Motives for Writing the “Can We____?” Chapter

1. Sex is a unique aspect and distinguishing feature of the marriage relationship. It is or should not be a part of any other relationship.
2. The Bible answers many, but not ALL questions.
3. They want couples to think, talk, and pray about this within their marriage! The fact that the book discusses some of the things could be an easy way for couples to start what could be initially awkward conversations.
4. The Driscolls want couples to know what they MAY do, not what they MUST do. We do not have to use all our freedom… we should never go against our consciences and convictions.
5. The believe public and private ministry should be the same… the questions that are answered are often asked in private sessions, but rarely addressed publicly as they should be.
6. These questions / answers are a starting point, not an ending point… they are beginning places for study and discussion.
7. Nothing should happen in the marriage bedroom unless God, the government, the husband, and the wife all agree.
8. The WHAT and WHY are important! It’s not just WHAT you want to do, but WHY you want to do it that need to be prayerfully and carefully considered.
9. Parents need to be more precise in speaking about sexual matters with their children. The average first porn exposure is 11. The number one consumer of porn is 12-17 year old boys. The average person loses their virginity by age 16. It isn’t uncommon for junior and high school students to send sexual text messages and pictures with each other. The average junior or high school student does not consider anything to be sex other than intercourse… so they do everything under the sun while “wearing the purity ring given to them by their dads”… without knowing they are sinning.

Most Questions Are Not NEW!

1 Corinthians 6:12: “All things are lawful for me,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful for me,” but I will not be dominated [also: “mastered by”] by anything.

• 1 Corinthians 6:12 is used as a guiding principle in this discussion for asking the following main questions.

Is it Lawful?

• What does the government say? We are to obey the government. Some things are illegal.
• Additionally… what does God say? Some things are NOT illegal (by the government) by are defined as sinful. For example: adultery.

Unlawful (aka: Sinful) Sexual Acts According to Scripture / God

Below is a list of what the Bible says is sinful. Your opinions or preferences regarding this list being “wrong” is wrong. We observe and submit to the truth of scripture. Also, there may be other nasty things that are not in the list, that may be explicitly sinful.

Homosexuality, erotica, bisexuality, fornication, beastiality, friends with benefits, adultery, swinging, prostitution, incest, rape, polygamy, polyandry (one wife, multiple husbands),  sinful lust, pornography, pedophilia, sexually touching someone else in any way with/without clothes on that you are not married to, and sexual viewing or talking to someone that is not your spouse in any way

• The answer to “Can we ____?” questions related to any of the above is NO. You can’t do these things and still be obedient to the God of the Bible.
• Including any third person (physically, emotionally, technologically, etc) in the context of the marriage bed is sinful.

Is it Helpful / Beneficial?

• Is it going to help or harm the marriage?
• Are there things that may not be sinful… but also may not be helpful?
• Will this build or break our marriage? Will it increase our oneness?
• What is the heart motive? Why would we want to do this or not?
• It may be awkward to talk about it… but it’s even more awkward to do something that you don’t talk about!… so talk about it!

For something to be helpful, it is likely to be related to one or more of them:

1. Pleasure – If anyone is going to be physically harmed… you should not do it.
2. Children – This is a great and beneficial reason for sex!
3. Knowledge – Growing marital intimacy and exploring each other is good!
4. Protection – Married couples should not deprive each other. Sometimes someone is the mood, and the other person isn’t… so this is an opportunity for the spouse to serve the other’s desire and need, without keeping a scorecard! If both couples serve each other sexually, that is a safeguard against a temptation. This is helpful.
5. Comfort – During emotionally painful or mournful times in life, sex can be a perfectly helpful reason for making a spouse feel connected, loved, and comforted.
6. Oneness – Does [the act] pull you together or push you apart? If a specific act pushes you away from each other, make the other feel abused / used / dirty / harassed / assaulted / pushed / taken advantage of / neglected, and the other person does not want to do it… then it could be a bad for your marriage and not helpful, beneficial, or appropriate.

Is it Enslaving?

• We choose our master.
• While something could be lawful AND helpful, depending on an individual’s genetic disposition, life experiences, baggage, etc… it may be enslaving and yield itself to obsessive, out of control, or addictive behavior for someone, which is not good or appropriate.
• There are thing’s we simply struggle mastering, but may master us… we should avoid those things.
• Sexuality is biologically and emotionally powerful… for good OR evil.
• A husband should be a “one woman man”… only being with, thinking about, and connected to one women.
• Spouses should build “paths of pleasure” towards each other in most things they do. “Paths of pleasure” are activities or thoughts that build a relationship connection toward something or someone. For this, picture a someone continually walking between two points, the grass and ground get trampled, constantly building a deeper and deeper rut between the points. The rut between spouses should be well worn and deep. However, this could also be a neuro-pathways toward something or someone that is not good or appropriate. We have to be aware of pleasure paths that are sinful or do not lead us to our spouse appropriately.
• Pleasure + the adrenaline high + “neuro-pathways”  + desire for taboo + the “forbidden” = a recipe for addiction that is not good.
• If you are single… you have NO path.

Indicators for Enslavement / Addiction

Addicts have no comprehension of risks they are taking and completely lose perspective and control. Below is a list of indicators for addiction:

1. A pattern of out-of-control behavior
2. Sever consequences because of sexual behavior
3. Inability to stop despite negative consequences
4. Sever mood changes around sexual behavior
5. Persistent pursuit of high-risk behaviors
6. Ongoing effort to stop or limit behaviors
7. Inordinate amount of time spent of sexual matters
8. Increasing amounts of sexual experiences
9. Sexual obsession and fantasy as primary coping tool

The Big Idea: Make Proper Conclusions WITH and SERVE Your Spouse

• Ask: is this Godly, holy, humble?… if your heart is in a wrong position, it could be wrong for you!
• If something is NOT unlawful to God or government, IS beneficial / helpful for the purposes in marriage, NOT prone to enslavement / addiction, IS under control, NOT a center obsession of the sexual intimacy of the marriage, IS part of what you enjoy together… then be free… in Christ… to enjoy one another… and use whatever freedom the two of you prayerfully agree is acceptable to you.
• Use the framework above as foundation for lovingly discussing and prayerfully considering these ideas and activities with your spouse (only). The Holy Spirit will never contradict this framework, and always provide greater discernment and peace that does not contradict scripture or God’s nature.
• If you see “sex as gross”, you may say “you’ve gone too far”… if see “sex as god”, you may say “you didn’t go far enough”… then Pastor Mark says: It is a gift from God that is to be enjoyed and stewarded in a way that is full, helpful, meaningful, purposeful, pleasurable, and passionate.
• Spouses should be considerate, contemplative, discerning, and prayerful in these conversations.
• Some people are doing things they haven’t thought, discussed or prayed about… you should discuss and pray about it.
• Some couples have interests, and should prayerfully and carefully consider the “why”, not just the “what”, before you speak with your spouse against them.
• Some people have done things to their spouse or have pressured them into things… you need to apologize, repent, ask forgiveness, and stop.
• Some have been so fearful and timid, and haven’t explored or discussed much… as a result, you are bored with one another, so you should enjoy their freedoms in Christ.
• There’s not one answer for everyone… some activities / categories should be prayerfully opened up … and you should be invited get to that place where sex is a gift,  your spouse is a treasure, and the two of you are working according to Biblical conviction and loving compassion. 

Part One of the Real Marriage Conference Series –  Session #1: Friend (Not Plural!) With Benefits.

Part Two of the Real Marriage Conference Series –  Session #2: Sex: God, Gross, or Gift? with Q&A.

Part Three of the Real Marriage Conference Series –  Session #3: Selfish Lovers vs. Servant Lovers with Q&A.

Buy the Book: “Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship & Life Together” by Pastor Mark & Grace Driscoll